Mislaid: A Lost Parody
by anamaji-c
Summary: OK, it's my 4th parody on here and my 1st Lost parody... I know there's lots of others out there but I'm hoping this will be good! Basically just a parody of the complete first season. Please R&R!


**Misplaced - A Lost Parody**

Disclaimer: I own NOWT, not Lost, not the characters, not even a tropical island.

Authors Note: Well, hello. I know I've written so many parodies on here… the best one being Pirates of the Caribbean, which I haven't updated in over a year and a half - sorry about that. Hopefully it'll be done before the NEXT one comes out! But anyway, I have to write a Lost parody. It was inevitable. It won't be the best parody on here, some of the others are hysterical… but here goes!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Episode 1: Pilot (and the rest of the plane crew.) Part 1.

Jack woke up. No, Jack opened his eyes in a dramatic fashion. He blinked twice in a heroic way and hit his head on the camera.

'Oh God, trees!' he shrieked. 'Since when were there trees on aeroplanes?'

It then occurred to him that he might not be on a plane, and he realised they had crashed.

'One… two… three… four… five… six…' he began, to eliminate his fear. As he got to three hundred and twenty seven, he heard screams from the beach. He quickly put on his Superman T-Shirt and ran towards the screaming.

There was the wreckage of the plane. In the middle was a blonde girl screaming like there was no tomorrow. Jack ran in circles around the plane, also screaming, til he tripped over a random person.

'You! Take this injured person away from the plane!' he screamed at a nearby survivor.

'B - B - But I can't move my legs!' the survivor shouted.

'Hey, pal, we've got bigger things to worry about so quit whining!' Jack shouted. He ran around yelling at more people and tried to resist the urge to kill the irritating blonde who was still screaming.

Then he came across a lifeguard that was trying to resuscitate a woman.

'You're doing that WRONG!' he yelled, which made the man cry. 'Go and find me a pen!'

The man sniffled and ran away. Boone - for that was the man's name - came across a pregnant lady who was having contractions.

'Hello Miss,' he said pleasantly. 'Would you happen to have a pen?'

'Now's not a good time!' the pregnant girl yelled. 'I'm having contractions! Help!'

'Hormones,' Boone muttered and walked off in a strop.

Boone ran off, and Jack spied the pregnant lady shouting 'Help! Heeeelp!' He quickly dropped the injured man he was holding on the ground, and ran to help her.

'Hello, fat lady!' he said in a jolly fashion. 'Are you in some kind of trouble?'

Claire - the fat lady, who was actually pregnant - looked at him in an evil way. 'I'm pregnant! Not fat! I'm eight months pregnant and I'm having contractions!'

Jack sniggered. 'Suuuure you are,' he said. 'Fatso,' he muttered under his breath.

Claire looked at him again and Jack suddenly realised she was pregnant.

'AAAAAAAAAH! How many months pregnant are you!' he shrieked.

Claire, who was now convinced that she was talking to an incredibly stupid idiot with the attention span of Shannon, told him again that she was eight months pregnant.

'You!' Jack said, pointing at an overweight man. 'Pregnant man!' Claire sighed at his stupidity, whereas Jack was just grateful Hurley was not having contractions, like Claire.

'Dude?' Hurley said, strolling over.

'This lady is not fat! She is pregnant!' Jack shouted. 'Take her away from the wreckage! Away from the fumes! And if her contractions get any closer together call me and I will deliver her baby!'

'Dude.' Hurley stated in agreement.

'Oh please God no…' Claire said. 'Stay away from me. Idiot.'

Hurley and Claire went away, and the camera focused in on Boone for a bit, still running around asking for pens and other stationary.

When the camera stopped focusing on Boone, Jack was still running around and saving people, while other survivors ran around panicking.

'Hey, Dad,' one small boy said. 'You said we were going on a fun trip!'

Michael looked slightly panicked. 'Um… well, yeah, this is… this is fun. I mean, it's better than the zoo right?' he said desperately.

Walt gave him a look which clearly meant that he thought he was insane.

A young man, Charlie, was by turns wandering around aimlessly and narrowly missing falling debris landing on his head, and telling everyone who would listen about some kind of drive-through.

Shannon was still screaming. It wasn't any less loud, even though she'd been screaming for a good 40 minutes by now.

Meanwhile, a random Korean couple were having a fight.

' unsubtitled Korean shouting !' yelled the man.

' angry retort, also in Korean !' the woman yelled back.

' another annoyed comment in Korean! ' the man shrieked, coupling it with a rude gesture that was not Korean.

All this was very informative and important, so the camera focused on it for a while.

Hurley and Claire, who had decided to ignore Jack's command of staying away from the wreckage, were sitting right underneath the wing of the plane.

'So then, the BASTARD who knocked me up in the first place left me,' Claire said.

'Dude,' Hurley answered, nodding sympathetically.

'Commitment issues! Sick of them!' Claire said. She was getting very into her little anti-men speech and kept shouting and hitting Hurley without really meaning to. 'You men are all the same! Total bloody useless! And he took my peanut butter as well!'

'Dude!' Hurley said, slightly worried.

Right at this moment, the plane wing broke off. Luckily, Heroic Jack saw and rushed over.

'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' he shouted, grabbing Claire and leaving Hurley, who had to run for his life, but got out of the way. Seeing as he had grabbed Claire by the ear she had very little gratitude but thanked him anyway.

Meanwhile, Sawyer gave the camp a rebellious and moody look from left to right, and then another rebellious moody look from right to left. He lit a cigarette and stared, even more moodily, across the ocean.

'Excuse me, is this yours?' An Iraqi man, Sayid, was holding up a Beatrix Potter book.

'Uh…. Uh…NO! No, it's not mine. Definetly not. No, moody rebels like me have no associations with Beatrix Potter! They do not read her books, ever! They've never even HEARD of Peter Rabbit! Yeah, um, no… it's not mine,' Sawyer said frantically.

'Right,' Sayid said, nodding.

'Yeah…. yeah, um, you watch out buddy, cuz sooner or later I'm going to think of evil nicknames for everyone!' Sawyer said. As Sayid walked away, clearly baffled by this man's strange behaviour, Sawyer lit another cigarette and then threw it into the wreckage, ignoring the leaking fuel.

'Whoops,' he muttered as the plane blew up into a million little pieces.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile Jack was sitting in the jungle, looking mournfully at a wound on his back. Suddenly he heard something rustling in the bushes.

'Who's there?' he said in a deep and authorative voice.

'SHIT!' a woman shouted and fell over into the clearing. She fell onto Jack's lap by mistake and they gazed into each other's eyes.

'She's sexy,' Jack thought to himself.

'Wow. He's one gorgeous fella,' the woman - Kate - thought.

Then the Baby Elephant Waltz started playing in Jack's head and he realised that he was losing a considerable amount of blood.

'Oh. Can you sew?' Jack said.

Kate giggled. 'I've never heard a chat-up line quite like that before,' she said, still giggling.

'No, seriously,' Jack said, also giggling because the blood loss was making him light headed.

'Um… no, I've never sewn anything before in my life. I can crochet though.'

'Oh…' Jack was at a loss. He was pretty sure you couldn't crochet a person if they had a wound.

'Well. Never mind. Just… sew me up anyway. There you go.'

Kate looked very nervous. 'Um… Um…any colour preference?' she said.

'Oh. Bright pink. Ta.'

Kate asked Jack why he wasn't scared as she sewed him up, and he began to tell his life story.

'Wait. Is this a flashback?' she asked.

'No, there's a big whooshing sound if it's a flashback,' Jack explained. However he felt that Kate had killed the moment with her disregard of flashbacks and therefore sat and looked moody for the rest of the scene.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It had been approximately 2 hours since the plane had crashed. Various people were trying different survival skills to see if it would help the situation. Some tried to start a fire; others gave out food from the plane. They built shelters, they found their belongings, and they tried to organise themselves as best they could as they were on a desert island.

Then they all sat back and laughed at Boone, who was trying to call people on his mobile.

Charlie Pace was staring aimlessly into space, as he usually did, when he was interrupted by Sayid waving a hand in front of his face.

'Hello! I'm a rock god! I was in a band, called Driveshaft!'

'Yes, yes, yes, enough about drive throughs. Can you help me chop up some wood?'

Charlie, trying to look the hero, stood up proudly. He promptly fell over, looking stupid.

'I'm on it… what's your name?'

'Sayid,' he answered in a wise and authorative way.

'I'm on it Trevor,' Charlie said, nodding and getting to work

It was night-time. It was dark. Night had fallen. So had darkness. It was no longer day, and the sun had set.

Shannon was meticulously painting her toenails a nasty shade of bright pink, when she was rudely interrupted by her coughs brother.

'Boone!' Shannon said. 'I just painted yours this morning! What do you want?'

'That nail polish looks new,' Boone said in a suspicious way.

'Yes, Sayid gave it to me just ten minutes ago because I had been screaming for over ten hours and it was starting to annoy the others just a lil bit!' Shannon said in a slightly dumb sounding voice, flipping her hair and pouting.

'Oh OK,' Boone said, flipping his hair and pouting in a similar fashion. 'Do you have a pen?'

'W.T.F?' Shannon said. 'Like, what are you on?'

Boone shook his head in confusion. 'Here is a chocolate bar for you, lovely perfect Shannon, who I admire because she is my wondrous sister, and that is the only reason.'

'EW!' Shannon said. 'That probably has, like, calories in it! No way! I will eat on the rescue boat!'

'Shannon, I think this series is scheduled to be, like, 24 episodes long and that's just season 1… I know you're a bit weird about food but that's silly!' Boone giggled and lost his train of thought.

'I. Will. Eat. On. The. Rescue. Boat.' Shannon said slowly, painting her foot in distraction.

'Very well, I'll eat it!' Boone said. 'Hey, it's a Wonka bar! All my life, I've wanted to win one of those golden tickets, and I never have. Not in 22 years of purchasing. And now I never will because I'm stuck on a stupid island!'

Boone looked despairing, but soon forgot about it as he opened the chocolate. Inside was a flat, golden piece of card with WINNER! stamped on it.

'Oh you have got to be kidding me!'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On the other side of the campfire, Claire was eating a kind of mushed up aeroplane food goo and pretending it was peanut butter.

'Dude,' Hurley called by way of greeting, and sat down beside her.

'Oh, it's you. A MAN,' Claire said, glaring at him.

'Dude…' Hurley said, sounding a little bit worried at her tone of voice.

'Don't take it personally. I just don't really like men. They're all hopeless. Useless. Interested in only one thing! NO regard for a poor girls feelings! NO respect for anyone else! Arrogant, selfish, know-it-all bastards! That's men! They get you pregnant, and then they get all freaked out because you put curtains up in their apartment!'

After Claire was done screaming there was a long, long silence. Hurley wondered if she was going to attack him, because he couldn't run that fast and he was kind of scared of the jungle.

'Um. Any more, you know, baby stuff?'

'Well, I'm pregnant, I would say that is baby stuff,' Claire said in a chirpy voice, the exact opposite to how she had been talking.

'So… do you get… like…mood swings?' Hurley asked tentatively.

'DO I GET MOOD SWINGS? You bloody, arrogant bastard! But it's OK. I don't mind you asking, in fact it's lovely someone's talking to me!' Claire said, her voice going from screaming to soft and kind and angelic. 'But can you mind your own business? No you CAN'T! You interrupt my meal, to ask me all about my life, which nobody's done! That's so sweet! You're so sweet! There should be more men like you! BUT THAT MEANS MORE MEN! NO! But then the world wouldn't have nearly so many problems. Pass me another bloody dinner tray you useless American, I'm bloody starving! Oh, that's so generous! Thank you Hurley, you kind man!'

Hurley ran.

Across the beach, Michael tucked Walt in and smiled happily. This was just the sort of father/son bonding trip he had always planned. And best of all it was free!

Sun and Jin, the Korean couple, were talking again, but this time there were subtitles.

'Don't leave my sight. Follow me wherever I go. We don't need to worry about the others,' Jin said in Korean.

Sun looked at him. 'Yes husband. I do not speak English. I do not fancy Michael. I will do what you say.'

Jin smiled and promptly fell asleep.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back at Jack's doctors tent thing, Kate was staring at a random guy - who's name was Marshall, and who's job was a Marshall, which meant that he was Marshall the Marshall - who had a huge piece of shrapnel in his side.

'Yeowch-y!' she said. 'So is he gonna live?'

'Do you know him?' Jack asked her solomely.

'Guh. He was, uh. Sitting next to me.' Kate said.

Suddenly Jack and Kate were sitting in front of a campfire like everyone else. This was an edit. Some viewers were confused, because they thought they had run there very quickly, abandoning the Marshall. Others realised that some TIME had PASSED.

'So,' Jack said, holding up an airplane made from a stinging nettle leaf. 'This - OW - represents the plane - YEOWCH - We were at, like, 40 000 feet when it happened - AAAH - dropped to 20 000 feet - OW - and then crashed - ARGH - Well I blacked out because I was scared.'

Kate snatched up the dropped leaf-airplane and promptly ate it.

'So does anyone not understand? Do I have to go through it a twelfth time? Boone?'

Boone looked confused. 'But I still don't get why we were travelling on a leaf.'

Jack hit his head against the nearest tree.

'Do you have a pen?' Boone asked.

Boone was sent away to 'find the pen' so the others could formulate a proper plan. They decided that because the plane had split into 3, they should run around and try to find the cockpit because that would contain valuable technological gizmos that could help them escape.

'Like jet backpacks?' Charlie asked.

'Yes.' Jack said in a serious voice.

Suddenly there was a loud and scary noise coming from the jungle.

'OMGWTFGAAAAAAAAH!' Jack shouted, hopping in a circle. All the survivors screamed and shouted and were scared because apparently there was a monster of some kind on the island.

As the survivors screamed and ran, there was a big whooshing sound which scared everyone even more. It wasn't a monster. It was worse. It was… a FLASHBACK.

'Hi there, fit American doctor!' an air hostess chirped to Jack. 'Enjoying your drink?'

'Yuh.' Jack replied.

'That's not a very strong answer,' the air hostess said. 'Unlike your arms… they look strong… and masculine…'

'It's not a very strong drink,' Jack said.

Then the woman next to Jack got scared because her husband had gone to the bathroom and she didn't like flying. Jack laughed at her. 'Nothing ever goes wrong on planes! You have nothing to worry about!' he said.

Suddenly the plane crashed.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As the flashback ended, the survivors all crawled out from their hiding places and discussed Jack's flashback, and also the scary noises in the jungle.

'I think its Barney the Dinosaur, he's a shifty character,' Rose said.

'I think its Driveshaft fans!' said Charlie, giggling with glee.

'Dude, the fuselage is pretty grim, do you think we should do something about the… uh… you know… B-O-O-D-L-E-S?' Hurley said, glancing at Walt.

The others stared at him.

'Are you actually trying to say Boodles? Or something else?' Charlie said tactfully.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kate, Jack and Charlie had by now set off for the cockpit. Kate had stolen a pair of shoes from a dead body.

'It's all in a good cause,' she told herself. 'He's dead. He doesn't care.'

'I'm not dead!' Locke shouted as she wrestled them off his feet.

'Kate, I look familiar don't I?' Charlie said happily, as they strolled along.

'No.' Kate replied.

'Yes I thought you might think I was familiar!'

'You look a bit like that hobbit in that film.'

Charlie looked embarrassed. 'Nooo..ooo! Silly! I'm the bass player in Driveshaft! Give me your friend Beth's number!'

'I don't have a friend called Beth…' Kate said, looking confused.

They had been walking a long time, nearly 10 minutes. They finally found the cockpit and did a small dance of glee. Charlie sang Driveshaft lyrics and Jack hit him.

They crawled inside the cockpit and found the pilot. He had a broken arm.

'You have concussion,' Jack said in a serious voice, pouring water on his head.

The pilot looked confused. Then a monster grabbed him out the window.

'OMGWTFAAAAAAAAAAAAH!' Jack said. 'TAKE THE SMALL HOBBIT! TAKE THE SMALL HOBBIT! THEY NEED ME! I'M A DOCTOR!'

The monster was not listening to Jack. It had left.

There was a big storm. It was raining. Rain always makes things more scary, I think.

All the people on the beach were running around trying to find shelter but that's not relevant. Kate was running in a circle around the cockpit yelling 'JACKJACKJACKJACKJACKJAAAAAAAAAACK!'

Then she fell over Charlie.

'I'm sorry, I didn't see you. Where's Jack?'

'Wait… you're not Jack?' Charlie looked confused. 'Oh, I remember. No. I don't know. Sorry.'

Kate was scared so she counted to five, fell over in the mud, counted to five again, ignored Jack tapping her on the shoulder and ran off in the opposite direction.

Finally the group found each other and Kate and Jack talked for a good while about strawberry picking, ignoring Charlie pointing at a tree.

After 10 minutes of Charlie pointing, and Kate and Jack refusing to acknowledge him, Charlie shouted 'OMG LOOK!'

The Pilot's mangled body was hanging from a tree.

'Gasp.' said Kate.

Because Charlie wanted to feel important he said the very last line of the episode…

'How does something like that happen?'

Jack was about to answer, but Charlie, determined not to let him ruin his glory, elbowed him in the mouth. And so, Charlie Pace kept that last line.

END OF PART ONE

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

OK… There was a lot to fit in. It's not that great. BUT PLEASE REVIEW! It takes like less than a minute! Tell me if you enjoyed it hopes… and don't be too brutal! gives big sunny smile. Should I carry on? Let me know.


End file.
